Review for My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell

There is something dark about me. Something that's always been there.



Rating: ★★★★☆

This book is downright difficult to read at times (most of the time/all of the time). It's not a book you're supposed to enjoy, but a book that is supposed to expose you to the complexities of societal expectations and allowances.

I think it was particularly brilliant of the author to tell the story from two timelines. From the beginning, it shows not only the how did we get here?, but also the lasting impact Vanessa's mistreatment had on her. The author was also so good at make the teenage Vanessa sound perfectly naive and indignant, while making the adult Vanessa more mature yet still disturbed in such a way that maintains some of that naïveté. Overall, I found Vanessa's character extremely complex and intriguing and messy, all of which made her more believable and personable.

I was the kind of girl that isn't supposed to exist. One eager to hurl herself into the path of a pedophile. But no, that word isn't right, never has been. It's a cop-out, a lie in the way it's wrong to call me a victim and nothing more. He was never so simple. Neither was I.

It was honestly painful at times to read how Vanessa justified Strane's actions, how she blamed herself, how she insisted their relationship was mutual. It was equally painful to watch Vanessa realize that none of that was true, and that she only believed it because Strane manipulated her into doing so. Saying that makes the plot seem much more simplified that it is, though. Vanessa doesn't just flip her understanding of the situation; it's much more nuanced. While she continually claims that she was wrongfully victimized, over time you can see her start to doubt her role in Strane's crimes, and watching this process drive her insane was at once terrifying and satisfying (not the insane part, just the realization part for the latter).

The fact that this book could make me shudder so much is an testament to its dark, creepy tone. This book is definitely not for everyone, but it makes a lot of necessary commentary on how society views, perpetuates, and deals with victim-blaming and gender dynamics. A lot of people are saying "everyone should read this book" (with the exception of people with relevant triggers) because it has important messages, but I disagree. Yes, I think the book can expose the reader to a darker part of society and the author's own interpretations of pedophilia and lolita, but as I mentioned before, the book is difficult to read. If you're one of those people that claims you don't read to "better yourself", which I normally am, this might not be the right reading choice for you. The book is dark and uncomfortable, so if you're just looking for entertainment, I'd sit this one out.